It’s the start of a new year! While I admittedly spent the beginning of the month ping-ponging between panic and despair, I write this as a snowstorm blisters outside feeling a surprising amount of peace, like I’m exactly where I need to be. Perhaps it’s time and distance working their healing magic, but the conversations I’ve had lately with both friends and strangers have spurred me on to look forward to bigger and better things.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on choice, covenant love, marriage, and singleness lately. Growing up in the church, we’re taught that eternity with God is the finish line and what better way to pursue that than in a godly marriage! After all, Jesus relates to the church as a groom who sacrificially and lovingly chooses a bride. We’re brought up to want a holy partnership where you and your spouse are active in the church and eventually have 2.5 kids (or I guess it’s 1.9 kids now?). Hopefully your kids grow up active in the church and go on to their own godly marriages and also have godly kids. Then this just keeps on going forever and ever until Jesus’ 2nd coming.
This is what I wanted for myself in college, and I’ve seen many friends from growing up who have attained this, or who are on this path. Over the years, my desire for the church and kids components has varied, but I’ve still always wanted a partner. On my 29th birthday, my friends asked what I wanted to do in my last year of my 20s. I said I wanted to find my person.
So I think that’s why whenever I see couples, especially those who are church-going, I can’t help but feel like they have arrived, and I’m still in this waiting room. I’m waiting to be chosen and in the meantime, I’m trying to cultivate a life that makes me desirable so that I’ll be chosen. As a believer, I do believe that God has chosen us, but that’s an internal truth that is hard to remember when you’re seeing everyone coupled up at church and see leadership full of married couples. Am I the only one who feels the subconscious pressure in the church that being married is somehow better, holier even?
Do I believe I have value independent of being chosen? Yes. But it’s hard not to see women with these huge rocks on their ring fingers as more valuable. I know comparison is the thief of joy but I’m just being honest! Some days I feel the most valuable because I’m single. I have complete freedom to book a ticket to Santorini without running it by anyone, and I’m not spending any energy on the emotional labor of a relationship. I get to author what growth and improvement look like for me instead of worrying if I’m measuring up against someone else’s standards. Yet other days, I panic, thinking I should redownload the apps and say yes to the first person I match with. Sometimes I feel despair at the thought that partnership seems forever out of reach.
This year I’m trying to choose what chooses me. No more fake friends. No doing activities unless I’m 100% excited about doing them. And no more chasing after emotionally unavailable men! In terms of relationships, I hope by the end of this year, I can believe I am as valuable whether or not I’m chosen by a man. I want to demolish this mental construct that my singleness is a waiting room, and I’m waiting for my life to begin once I find my person. Maybe all along, singleness and partnership have been two equal, parallel lanes, and I can pursue a full life and complete happiness in mine without waiting for my life to begin in the other.
